There is no God...

And I have the proof:

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? W T F? Im crying and vomiting while I type this.
  
• Since ports are out of the question, Bush tries to give Dubai NINE American military manufacturing plants. Brilliant! Some people never learn.
  
• Although a name isnt everything, why Wii? Im still really pumped about the Rev, I mean the Wii, its just that its been 24 hours and Ive already heard and/or read about 42 million micturation jokes. Fuck.
  
• I just watched Last Tango in Paris last night. GET THE BUTTER! Dont get me wrong, Brando was awesome in LTIP, but I just didnt need to see him get fingered by some young, nubile frenchwoman.

Bust Out The Confetti: I Know Who John Galt Is.

I just finished Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand today, after one grueling month of reading exclusively at my place of employment. Do I get some sort of prize for this accomplishment? Perhaps a certificate or a ribbon? I'd even settle for a goddamned shiny trinket. I know its not like reading Joyce or anything, but fuck, man, no matter how you slice it a thousand pages is an investment and I demand a return on my investment other than a complete and inescapable feeling of inadeqaucy.

Dont get me wrong, I absolutley love the book. It is every bit as exciting, breathtaking, and tremendous in scope as the back of the book says. I have never read anything like it and I don't know if there is an author alive today that could write anything half as compelling half as well as Rand did. Its just that, as I said before, it makes anyone remotely lazy feel like shit. And the 52 page soliloquy that Galt delivers towards the end of the story is a bit excessive. Just a bit. Yes, I know she's outlining Objectivism explicitly for the first time, but its not like she didn't spend the first 922 pages saying the same damn thing. Whatever. Who has my trinket?

God bless Dr. Weather

Dick Goddard tells me that it is 64 degrees fahrenheit in Cleveland, Ohio. It is also sunny, breezy, and only the 19th of April. I love that man.

I encourage anyone who lives in or around Cleveland to do what I did:

1. Hop in your car and roll the windows down (well, at least the front two).
2. Put on your sunglasses, you're going to need them, silly.
3. Start driving seventy mles per hour, preferably on the highway so you dont get hassled by the man.
4. Pop in your favorite CD/tape/Ipod.
5. Pump up the volume.
6. Sing at the top of your lungs, especially when there are cars right next to you.
7. Repeat until your voice cracks or you waste more than 1/8th of a tank of $3/gallon gasoline.

If you follow these seven easy steps, I personally guarantee your day will be 34% better than it was before.

This is the chorus I sang about 55 times so far today, and you can rest assured I'll sing it another 20 or so times. Its from the song Bloodied Up by Alkaline Trio:

"You have every right to be
this appalled with me
join the club
I signed up a long time ago and I know how you feel
And when you decked me
you left me knocked out on the floor
I came to bloodied up
but you werent around
I picked my teeth off the ground like they'd been there before"

As Jack Nicholson said to Michael Keaton just before he shot him in the chest: "I just like the sound of it."

Why the E! Network blows, and more.

I have a confession to make. I watched the E! channel this past Sunday, which somebody told me was also the anniversary of some Jewish guy coming back to life, kinda like in a George Romero film. I was also told that, rather unlike a George Romero film, said Jewish guy did not then attempt to eat a house full of people. Well, nobodys perfect.

But back to the lecture at hand. As the title of this post indicates, the E! Network is really adept at sucking gargantuan amounts of cock. For 5 fucking hours E! aired the entire 101 EVEN BIGGER Celebrity Oops! This show consits of j-list "celebrities" whose names you cant even google talking about that one time Paris Hilton pissed all over Nicole Ritchie after going on a three day bender with Courtney Love, Tom Sizemore and his strawberry bag. Tres embarrasing!

Following that countdown show with a show even remotely as sucky is pretty much impossible, right? Wrong. The next hour of programming was a very special episode of THS (thats True Hollywood Story for anyone with a life) dedicated to Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards. What the fuck is that shit? About halfway through the show, just before I blacked out, the vapid Richard Roeper had this to say about Chaz's turn in Ferris Bueller's Day Off: "He gave a wonderful performance." Huh? I want large quantities of whatever Roeper is smoking, because that motherfucker is off his rocker. You cannot give a "wonderful performance" in 45 seconds. It just is not possible. At all. Unless you're talking about sex.

At this point the amount of cock the E! channel sucks is measured by the ton. Surely it can't get any worse. Or can it? Magically, I regained consciousness just in time for the next show E! had to offer: an hour long Talk Soup retrospective folllowed by a half an hour of The Soup. Completely horrible; that Joel McHale ass-clown deserves to die. Absolutely no sense of comedic timing, or comedy at all for that matter. However, I did get to see Aisha Taylor for, like, ten minutes. That made me happy.

OK, enough about E! blowing, I need to get to the and more. Bob Balaban is the and more.


Bob Balaban is one of the best character actors of our time. You know him from Best In Show, Waiting For Guffman, every other Christopher Guest movie, Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind, etc. Mr. Balaban actually made his debut in Midnight Cowboy, which I had not seen until yesterday. He plays a homosexual who solicits Jon Voight. They go to an all-night movie theatre, where Bob cuddles with Jon as they watch the movie. And then he proceeds to give ol' Jonnie a blow job. Yeah. Now I can't watch Ghost World without getting a mental image of Thora Borch's dad getting a mouthful Joe Buck's cock. Fuck.

P.S. Sorry for the cock-centric post.

Fantastic Friday Film Fiesta!

Welcome to the debut edition of the Fantastic Friday Film Fiesta! Since my job duties are now limited to reading the entire internet and drinking massive amounts of coffee whose strength vascillates between roofing tar (good) and colored hot water (bad), I have taken it upon myself to give a little love to some movies that you may or may not have seen. Every opinion I espouse in this article is 100% correct and should be taken as gospel, so basically if you do happen to disagree with me you will be damning yourself to an eternity of cold coffee and Two and a Half Men reruns in the fiery pits of hell. Heretic. And not that gospel of Judas bullshit either; I'm talking about the straight up O.G. stuff.

Anyhoo, now that that nasty business is out of the way I can get down to brass tacks. Since this is the grand opening of the Fabulously Fantastic Friday Film Fiesta! I wanted to spotlight a movie that is indeed grand. Grand Guignol that is! This movie has been described as shocking, brutal, foul, revolutionary, the one that goes all the way, gruesome, etc. You might be asking yourself, "What movie could be described as such?" Lets see...



Ah yes, Cannibal Holocaust. Without a doubt the most controversial film of all time, as evidenced by its being banned in over 60 countries. Sixty! As there are 191 countries on all of Earth (192 if you count that shithole Vatican City), this means that roughly 31.4 percent of the world deemed Cannibal Holocaust too awesome to be seen. It also proves that only Philistines get to rule countries. Whatever.

Released in 1980 at the tail end of the cannibal exploitaion phase of grindhouse cinema, Cannibal Holocaust caused an immediate furor that has not died down some 26 years later. Basically, director Ruggero Deodato took all of the blood, sex, and violence of his 1977 effort Ultimo Mondo Cannibale (a.k.a Jungle Holocaust) and turned it up to eleven, a la Nigel Tufnel. The result is nothing short of amazing.

You might have already guessed it, but Cannibal Holocaust's plot is pretty straightforward. The first half of the movie sees professor Harold Monroe (played by none other than Debbie Does Dallas star Robert Kerman) sent deep into the jungles of Brazil by a T.V. company in order to find a missing team of documentary filmmakers. He agrees, makes the journey, finds out they are dead, and manages to bring home some of their film cannisters (but not before seeing some truly fucked up shit along the way). The second half of the film has professor Monroe screening the footage with the t.v. execs who want to air everything the documentary team filmed. That is not a very good idea. The execs watch the footage, exchange some disapproving glances, and obviously end up not airing what they just saw. (Throughout the film there is a post-Vietnam what the fuck are we doing here messing with the natives undercurrent. In fact the last line of the film is "I wonder who the real cannibals are?". However, its clear that Deodato put it in there just to say "Hey man, my movie has a point to make. The violence is necessary to show what happens when bloodthirsty WASPs try to impose their values on supposedly inferior cultures blah blah blah." In reality, he just wanted to make a crazy ass gross-out cannibal movie.)

Doesn't sound very controversial, does it? Well, it is, and for two reasons. First of all, Cannibal Holocaust isnt just grand guignol, but also an example of cinema verite. Advertised as a true story featuring "found" footage of the murders of four documentary filmmakers, Deodato went so far as to have the actors go into hiding after filming. Many moviegoers thought what they saw was real, and the ensuing shit storm got so bad that Deodato had to bring the actors with him during t.v. interviews to prove they were not eaten by jungle cannibals.

Sound familiar? The same advertising technique and plot gimmick was used (read ripped off) by the Blair Witch guys 19 years later, and to great success. In fact, there should be some disclaimer before The Blair Witch Project that thanks Deodato for being creative so that Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez didnt have to. They suck.

I've mentioned repeatedly that Cannibal Holocaust is shocking and bloody, but just how shocking and bloody is it? Glad you asked. Here is a brief list of Holocaust's "highlights":

• A coatimundi is killed and flayed (real)
• A turtle is killed and then diced, chopped, and sawed (real)
• A spider and snake are chopped with a machete (real)
• A cute little monkey gets his head chopped in half and his brains eaten (real)
• A pig is killed by one of the documentarians (real)
• A tribeswoman is raped by a large phallic stone and then beaten to death (fake)
• Another tribeswoman is impaled (see above poster) (fake)
• Yet another tribeswoman if forced to abort her child (fake)
• Said baby is then buried in the mud (fake)
• A large group of indiginous people are rounded up and burned alive in a large hut (fake)
  
• Numerous others are captured, killed, cooked, and eaten in a variety of ways (all fake)

That's quite a list if you ask me. In fact, the animal killings were what got the film banned in many countries, including Italy where Deodato was arrested and put on trial for animal cruelty. According to Deodato, all of the animals killed during filming were eaten by the natives, and it was this argument that helped him avoid jail time.

The special effects work is amazing. Bodies are beaten, sawed, tenderized with giant hammers, shot, stabbed, and burned. One man even has his penis eaten straight off of his body in a quite realistic fashion. Deodato and his special effects team pull no punches, and the human violence is so realistic that the movie was also banned in many countries for being an actaul snuff film!

Cannibal Holocaust is many things. It is a violent and bloody film that does go all the way. Its an assault on your senses. Its a movie that clearly aims to shock. Its polarizing; just check out some of the reviews. But first and foremost, IT KICKS ASS!

Random thoughts and a little Q&A

Random thoughts:

• Ayn Rand makes lazy people feel like shit.
  
• People who use less than 3.5 scoops of coffee per ten cups really suck ass.
• Working for a company that has no policies, protocol, or purpose is a definitely a double-edged sword.
• I believe that sping has sprung. Cue the 8 inch snowstorm.
• Streetlight Manifesto will rock your socks off. I mean who else can play mach speed ska riffs and drop names like Hemingway, Camus, Salinger and Van Gogh in the same song?
  

A little Q&A:

Q: How many 24 year old divorced Puerto Rican mothers of three does it take to annoy the shit out of me at work?
A: One.

Q: How many secretaries whose bosses were recently fired were themselves recently fired for muttering the word fuck under their breath in the past two weeks?
A: One, so far. You never know around here though.

Q: Which days offer the best drink specials at Brendan O'Neills?
A: Tuesday ($3 Irish Trinity, $2.50 for a shot of Jamison (add 25 cents for a wash)), Friday ($3 Carlsberg), Sunday ($3 Car Bombs! Holla Holla). Of course I would never ever ever never ever enjoy said specials on my lunch hour. Honest.

Q: What percentage of prepaid cellular telephones are purchased by drug dealers and/or users?
A: Approximately 62%.

Q: Is it true that all mobster's daughters are attractive?
A: From my limited personal experience that is an affirmative.

Wow. Great questions folks, really. We should do this again sometime soon. Yeah.

What A Fool Believes

Just a couple of things that need to be said:

First of all, The Doobie Brothers are racist; the white man does not have the power.

Secondly, Channel101 is where its at, sans the two turntables and the microphone. Yacht Rock makes me all tingly in the bad spot my mom told me not to talk with others about. If you click these words you will be treated to some truly smeuth music. Channel101 also gets bonus points for featuring the work of starving artist and fellow Olmsted Falls High School alum Paul Reese. He plays the irascible Director of Field Ops Peter Thornton Jr. in the New MacGyver, and in the gawd-awful Biolevel: Trouble he has the honor of playing the fat, neurotic roommate Jason. No wonder he's still starving, even if he doesn't look it. I guess thats what you get for getting your theatre and film degree from a Christian college in Kentucky.

Loggins and Messina FOREVER

And they call it...

It is generally accepted that the first six months of any substantial relationship between a man and woman is the puppy love period, where both parties are just so damn head-over-heels smitten with each other that most major problems (i.e. their partner is completely fucking psycho and cannot function without being up their significant other's ass all day) go unnoticed. I love you's are tossed back and forth with complete disregard of any consequences that go along with those magic words. Women are genetically predisposed to saying I love you roughly42.6 hours into a relationship because they think they mean it; guys say it to have sex and not get yelled at.

Sooner or later, the puppy love period comes to an end. While it is difficult to predict exactly how long puppy love will last for, it is guaranteed to end in when the couple get into a 30+ minute argument over absolutely nothing. Or so I thought.

The following is a rough transcription of a 37 minute cell phone "conversation" between just such a couple that I was forced to endure last night. This "conversation" started in a Burger King drive thru at 10:15 pm.

10.15 dudeiknow: hey babe
10.15 crazy20yroldgrl: Hi! what are you doing?
10.16 dudeiknow: getting food and then probably hanging out with friends A,B, and C.
10.16 crazy20yroldgrl: I wanted to see you tonight. when will you be home?
10.17 dudeiknow: I dont know. I didnt drive. I would guess 12.30 or so.
10.17 crazy20yroldgrl: but i get out from work at 11! I need to see you. Why do you do this to me?
10.18 dudeiknow: well i dont know when ill be home, why dont i call you later?
10.19 crazy20yroldgrl: (5 minutes of extended bitching, crying, and yelling) You never talk to me. Why dont you ever want to talk? I need to see you!
10.27 dudeiknow: fine ill talk to you. its 10.27, im in the drive thru at burger king. Shut up friend B. Huh? No, everyone is looking at me and making fun of me.
10.27 Friend B: dont tell her i said that man.
10.28 dudeiknow: sorry dude.
10.28 crazy20yroldgrl: WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?
10.29 dudeiknow: Im not yelling. Im explaining to you that you dont get out until eleven. Go home and get cleaned up. If you want to see me at 12.30 come over. If not thats fine ill call you tomorrow. Stop acting so crazy.
10.31 crazy20yroldgrl: youre always out with your friends. you never see me.
10.31 dudeiknow: I told you when i got into this relationship that my music is the most important thing in my life. Im hanging out with my band tonight, Im a musician.
10.33 crazy20yroldgrl: Are you putting me second to the band?
10.34 dudeiknow: Babe, im not trying to put you first, last, or in the middle. Im a musician and music is my life. If you cant understand that then i dont know what to tell you. You are acting crazy!
10.36 crazy20yroldgrl: (7 minutes of crying, pouting, and shouting) But i had a bad day and i wanted to see you and 12.30 is sooo far away!
10.38 dudeiknow: youre not even out of work yet. go home, ill call you when i get home around 12.30 and if you want to see me then come over. If not ill see you tomorrow.
10.40 crazy20yroldgrl: WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?
10.41 dudeiknow: *sighs a lot* Im not, im explaining to you. Shut up friend A. NO, not you. Friend A was talking.
10.43-10.50: lots of bickering back and forth, friends A,B, and C crack jokes, finish eating BK and tell dudeiknow to hang up for the 7,492 time in 35 minutes.
10.51 dudeiknow: Friend C said it best, ill call you at 12.
10.52 Friend C: why did you have to say my name?
10.52 dudeiknow: alright, bye. *click*

20 minutes later crazy20yroldgrl sends dudeiknow this text message: sorry im crazy. call me later. i love you!

On the ride home later I recalled a conversation dudeiknow and I had earlier that day about his birthday a few days ago:

Me: So did you have lots of sex on your birthday?
DudeIKnow: Oh yeah.
Me: sweet!
DudeIKnow: I even got ass-to-mouth (where after anal sex the man "finishes up" in the girl's mouth). You know what that is dont you?
Me: Oh yeah.

Dudeiknow was dropped off at his house around 12.45 and promptly called crazy20yroldgrl, inviting her to spend the night. I can only imagine how much ass-to-mouth he got. Long live puppy love!