Cleveland Politics

Oh, happy days, its midterm election time in Cleveland! And while there are many important issues being decided, I only care about two of them: Issues 3 and 18. Issue 18 adds yet another tax on smoking, this time benefitting the arts and such. Since smoking is the most retarded habit in the world, I see no problem punishing smokers in the name of culture. I also will vote yes on Issue 3, the slots issue, but my stance on this issue must be explained further.

Cleveland is one of the greatest city that used to be. The Browns and Indians used to win, it used to have a population over 900,000 (a lot of them employed), and people used to not feel sorry for us for living here. I know, it was all so long ago. But know this: Cleveland is also one of the greatest city that could be. This thought is dangerous, radical, hopeful, and it is for this last reason that I suspect no one really talks about the true importance of Issue Trois. You see, Clevelanders are sick and tired of hoping (you can, in large part, thank Jose Mesa, John Elway, and the 2006 Browns for this) and are for the most part resigned to living in a has been town. For us, being hopeful is about the shittiest thing in the world.

But there is reason to be hopeful! The following is a list of some things Cleveland is home to:

• The Cleveland Orchestra- Widely considered one of the best orchestras in the world
• Severance Hall- Neoclassical home of the Cleveland Orchestra, also featured in Air Force One (the movie, not the rap video)
• The Cleveland Museum of Art- World reknowned museum with over 40,000! pieces on display
• The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame- Laugh all you want, the building is unique and a must-see for anyone visiting Cleveland
• The Great Lakes Science Center- Pretty cool science museum, and its got a giant wind turbine in its front yard
• The Cleveland Metroparks- One of the largest metropolitan parks in the country and home the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo (monkey island!!!)
• Playhouse Square Center- Second largest theatre complex in the US behind NYC's Lincoln Center and home to some radical architecture
• Gateway Sports Complex- Home of Cleveland's best shot at a sports title and 2 of the 3 professional sports teams in the city (sorry Crunch or Force or whatever the hell your name is, indoor soccer is not a professional sport)

As Clevelanders, these are things we all know are good about our city, and when someone is reminding us of all the bad things about our town (nations poorest big city, rising unemployment, urban exodus, etc) these are the things we cling to. And while the above list is full of wonderful things, its just not enough. Its not enough to revive a near-desolate downtown, land conventions, battle unemployment, or provide gobs of money for education in C-Town.

So how is there hope? Well, lets pretend for a minute that there is a God, he can turn water into Jamison Irish Whiskey, and Issue 3 passes. A few years later casinos are built downtown, along with new hotels and restaurants. For once, downtown Cleveland would be interesting after 11 p.m. Thousands of new jobs would be created, as would hundreds of millions of tax dollars (to be used on education and just maybe a decent Innerbelt reconstruction plan instead of the inane two bridge monstrosity currently being advocated) just from the Ohio gamblers that currently go to West Virginia, Windsor, New York, and even Detroit (Detroit!) to gamble.

And that list of things we know are good about Cleveland? Imagine vacationers (yes, I said vacationers) staying in their downtown hotel/casino for a week, overwhelmed with all of the tourist attractions that they never knew existed in our fair, revitalized, vibrant, growing city. Imagine seeing them wandering around downtown, gawking at the Arcade or Tower City, or trying to figure out just what the hell the Free Stamp is all about. Imagine seeing these tourists and thinking "I told you so."

I will be voting yes on Issue 3, not because I like playing slots (slot machines are like broken vending mahines that dont have an out of order sign on them and then I put in my hard earned 50 cents and press the Dr. Pepper button and no Dr. Pepper comes out and Im sad the rest of the day), or because I think Learn and Earn is the cure-all for Cleveland City Schools (its not), but because of what Cleveland could be.

with you all my dreams underground